All I Want
by Crackfics1
Summary: AU: Spencer and Toby want each other, and they want to be more than friends. But it's hard to define their confusing relationship when there's so many confusing things going on. Will they ever be able to transition from a secret sexual relationship to a public & real relationship?


_All I Want_

* * *

She inhaled deeply before tapping her pencil on the desk as she tried her hardest to concentrate on the English exam sitting on her desk. Lately, school had began becoming a serious problem for her. She just found it difficult to even concentrate on the simplest things! It's not that she wasn't capable of understanding the material... it's just that she was all worn out. She spent so many years of her life doing this shit, and she just wanted a break. That's why she was looking forward to the end of the day. She had secret plans with a friend that she unexpectedly made by accident. Her friends thought she hated this friend. She used to hate him, but she had this change in opinion, and it suddenly turned into this friendship that was just so relaxing for her.

Not even thinking, she circled the answers that she guessed were correct. She didn't double check or double think... she just... circled it. It felt good to not have to squeeze every last drop of information from her brain to see if she could somehow remember the answer to the question on the paper. She smiled in relief once she had realized that her guessing allowed her to complete the exam in just a few minutes. She proudly walked to Mr. Fitz's desk and dropped the paper on it. She smirked as she walked back to her seat.

Text from Toby:

See you after school. Leaving work now. -T

She smiled at the text message. She was so excited for today. He had gotten them a motel room. She was a bit startled at first, since she thought that they were just friends, and that staying in a motel room together alone would be kind of weird, but she got over it. A motel room meant getting away from the naggy parents for one night! Maybe she could just have Aria cover for her or something. Her friends usually had her back. She wasn't ready to tell them about her friendship with Toby just yet, though.

Why did she even want to keep her friendship with him a secret? Well, because a part of her believed that she had feelings for him, but she didn't want to. She didn't want to like him. She wasn't ready to admit it. She was afraid to hear the "I told you so" from Emily about how he was really a nice guy all along. She didn't want to hear Hanna's perverted comments about her being alone with him, either. She just wanted to keep it all under wraps. Most importantly, she wanted to keep it from Alison DiLaurentis. If her friend Alison found out about her friendship, she would be dead. Ali hated Toby Cavanaugh, so if she found out, she would kick Spencer out of their posse!

As soon as the bell rang, she bolted right out of the classroom. Emily, Aria, Hanna, and Alison would all probably want to meet up and gossip about the daily things they gossiped about, and possibly even want to make plans. So she just wanted to bolt off to the Edgewood Motor Court without any questions from her friends. Unluckily for her, her posse caught her right as she slammed her locker shut and was about to head out the halls of Rosewood High.

"Hey Spence," Ali said, smirking a little "You seem like you're in a rush today. Were you trying to lose weight by running, just like how Hefty Hanna used to? I taught her how to get rid of it, and I can teach you, too."

Spencer furrowed her eyebrows and said, "Stop it, Ali. You know Hanna doesn't like that, so why do you continue to do it? And I have some stuff to do today, so please just lay off. I need to go."

"Where are you going?" Emily asked, much to her dismay.

"Out," she vaguely responded. "My friend and I are going out. If my parents call any of you guys, just cover for me and say I'm at Aria's house or something, okay?"

"Uh, sure," Aria said, furrowing her eyebrows. "Spence, is this friend a guy or a girl?"

"No time for questions," she hastily said before rushing out the door.

. . .

"Hey," she quietly greeted as she walked right into the motel room that he had said to meet him in. He smile at her in response, and made room for her to sit on the motel room's bed. She sat down beside him.

"Hi," he quietly greeted right back. "Was school good today? Well, at least better than yesterday...?"

She shrugged and nodded before saying, "Better yesterday, I guess. It was decent up until the point where I nearly blanked out while taking my English test."

He pressed his lips together.

"Well, hopefully a night away from everything will be what you need," he said, trying to smile at her. "It's a Friday, and you deserve to relax. By the way, have you given your parents a cover story? I'm sure they wouldn't want you at a motel with some guy that they've never met. Just a guess, though..."

She chuckled lightly and nodded. "Yeah, I had my friend Aria cover for me a little, so I think things will be fine with my parents. I hope you're right about this night away being what I need."

He stared at the floor before saying, "Spencer, you know life isn't always about doing things that you need. Sometimes it's alright to do things that you want. You don't have to only do the necessary things in life... I mean, you can do things that _you_ want, too. That's how you have real fun. So tell me... What do you want?"

She breathed, "All I want... honestly, I don't know what I want anymore."

"Think," he told her. "Think about exactly what you want, and just go for it. It can be anything in the world. Maybe you want to go do something outrageous like skydiving, or maybe you want to just be lazy for a day and eat all the junk food you want! Whatever you want, just say it. It doesn't have to be something that you need, it should be something that you want, well, because you want it! I hope you get what I'm saying. So do you know what you want?"

Spencer pressed her lips together for a moment. She had a crazy thing in her mind. Toby told her that it could be anything, right? But she didn't think that he would want her to burst out something as crazy as what she had in mind. There were so many doubts she had in her mind, and if one of those doubts were to come true, she didn't know if she could ever get over the embarrassment.

"I don't know, Toby," she sighed. "Well, I have something in mind, but...it's crazy. I have doubts about it. I don't think it's a good idea, and it certainly isn't necessary, either."

"It doesn't have to be necessary," he said. "Doubts? Forget about them. You don't need to have a doubt. Nothing is crazy, so whatever you want...just say it. I won't judge you. You know that..."

She took a deep breath. Her want wasn't exactly something she could say out loud. It was more of an action. He told her that it wouldn't be crazy, no matter what she did, right? So she was just going to go right in and do what she wanted! She couldn't live her life bottling up every emotion she had. Sometimes she had to just do what she wanted, right? Not everything in life needed a reason.

Without taking another moment to re-think her thoughts, she leaned in and kissed him right on the lips. Surprised, he nearly pulled back in shock. But, he didn't. He, for some strange reason, didn't pull back. He just kissed her right back. He wanted to kiss her back, too. He was quite surprised. He wasn't expecting a kiss.

"Was that what you wanted?" he breathlessly asked, pulling back from the kiss.

She blinked her eyes nervously before quietly saying, "Kind of."

He smiled at her and said, "See, Spence? It was nothing. I told you I wouldn't judge you. But what do you mean by 'kind of'?"

"I know what I want," she told him. "I want you... to make me... uhm... feel... Good."

Toby scratched his head. For a moment, he didn't know what she exactly meant. But after thinking hard, he realized what she meant. She wanted to feel good. Feel good! It seemed quite clear to what she wanted tonight.

"Oh," he quietly said. "I can... Uh,"

He bit his lip before inching his hands towards her body. He had never had physical contact with her like this before. He anxiously waited to see how she would react to him getting closer to her body. His blue eyes focused on her curious gaze as he started to insert his right hand into her skinny jeans. He was awaiting a response once his fingers entered the material of her panties.

She didn't pull away or advise against it. All she did was wait for his next move, like she was expecting him to make all the moves tonight.

So since she wasn't responding, he decided to take matters into his own hands.

He nervously unbuttoned the button on her jeans. Honestly, his intention of coming ere today was to spend time with her, not to fuck her... but it was certainly a bonus, since she was quite the attractive girl. He wasn't expecting sex, he just got lucky. He knew he couldn't do it... he couldn't have sex with her. She would regret it, and then hate him. He would mess their friendship up if he went through with the plan of fucking her.

He was contemplating whether he should go through with it or not when he began to absent-mindedly slide her skinny jeans down her lengthy legs, which were incredibly sexy. He couldn't help but notice how long her legs were, now that he thought about it. It was like their kiss had sparked up his hidden feelings for her. He always knew he liked her, but not this much... not _this_ romantically.

She was always just a friend that he thought was beautiful and amazing, and he always knew that if she were to ask him out, he would say yes. His crush on her was never an exclusive crush, such as 'this girl is all I think about'. But after the kiss with her, she was becoming that kind of crush to him, and he hated it. He cursed these feelings. He didn't want to screw this great friendship up with her. If he fucked her, and then she realized she didn't like him like that anymore, it would be terribly awkward.

His fingers reached into the material of her panties, and his finger glided over her clit nervously.

"Do you really want to?" he asked, biting his lip nervously.

Honestly, he didn't know if he wanted her to say yes or no.

"I don't know." she mumbled.

His mouth was opening, but he didn't know what words he was going to say.

"Spencer..." he quietly said. "I don't think it's right... I can't do this to you. I don't think you know what you really want just yet."

"No, I don't know if I want _this_." she said. "But I do know one thing for sure, Toby. I know for sure that the kiss meant something to me."

He pressed his lips together nervously. What was he supposed to do? Fuck her? Pleasure her? Kiss her again? Or maybe just go back to hanging out as friends again. He wanted to be more than a friend, but he was worried that a silly break up would destroy everything they had together.

"It meant something to me, too." He confessed. "But doing _it_? That's not right."

"Why not?" She asked, disappointed. "I get it... You don't like me that way."

He shook his head, "No Spencer, it's not that at all! If anything, I really do like you. But a physical relationship so soon? It isn't right, and you know that. I know it, too. I would love to date you, but I can't do sex, I'm sorry. Just not yet... I don't think that doing it so soon in a relationship is right. Besides, if we have a relationship and we break up, what if our friendship is destroyed?"

"Toby..." she muttered. "You're right. I'm not ready for it, either. But I like you. And you know I like you, too."

"And I told you that I like you back." he nervously said.

"Then what are we?" She asked. "I'm confused. Where are we even at?"

He sighed and said, "I don't know. This is becoming really confusing."

"I don't want things to get confusing." She said.

"Hey," he tried to cheer her up by taking her hand and squeezing it gently. "Why don't we spend the night like we were planning to in the first place? We can save all this drama for later. Tonight is a night that's supposed to be for both of us to get our minds off of everything going on in life. Let's keep it that way."

She nervously nodded, "Yeah, we can keep it that way."


End file.
